


Another Love

by CyanAndCharcoal



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Denial of Feelings, F/M, Friendship, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23547154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CyanAndCharcoal/pseuds/CyanAndCharcoal
Summary: Set post-S7. Regina can’t move past the death of one close to her and can’t understand why. Discussions with good friends help her put the pieces together.
Relationships: Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Rumplestiltskin | Mr. Gold
Kudos: 16





	1. Emma

**Author's Note:**

> I know this shares a lot of similarities with my previous fic ‘The One That Got Away’, but I started this ages ago and decided it was finally time to finish. Apparently I just like making myself sad.

“Hey!” Emma called as she jogged along her usual trail through the woods. Regina, who was walking slowly ahead of her with her hands in her pockets, turned in surprise.

“Emma! What are you doing here?”

Coming to a halt, Emma used the opportunity to regain breath. “Jogging. Isn’t that obvious?”

“I mean, don’t you have a baby to take care of?” Regina smiled as she saw how Emma’s face instantly lit up at the mention of her daughter.

“Killian’s spending some time alone with Hope. He said I’ve been doing far too much and I needed to give him a chance at some father-daughter bonding. And he’s probably right that I need a break. It’s just so amazing being able to experience everything I never could with Henry.”

The two of them started walking side by side as Regina patted Emma’s shoulder. “I’m really happy for you. Hope will grow up to become yet another member of this family we can be proud of.”

“Yeah.” Emma turned to her, still beaming. “What are you doing here so early?”

Regina sighed. “I just wanted somewhere quiet to think. Didn’t suppose anyone would be here.”

“For your future reference I think I’ll be frequenting this spot often from now on. What’s on your mind?”

“Everything that’s happened this week. Breaking the curse in Hyperion Heights. Being crowned the Good Queen. And the funeral.” 

Emma was silent for a while before saying, “it’s definitely been a lot. I can’t believe this was one adventure I managed to miss out on.”

They both laughed as Regina gazed into the middle distance. “Consider yourself lucky. It wasn’t exactly fun.”

Seeing how Regina was distracted, Emma took hold of her arm lightly and pulled them both to a halt. “Really, what’s on your mind?”

“I just told you.”

“You’re distracted.” Looking around her, Emma had an idea. “Robin’s watching over you, you know.”

“What?” Regina turned to her, sounding genuinely confused.

Emma frowned. “Forest...I thought it was because - guess I was mistaken.”

The thought of Robin hadn’t even crossed Regina’s mind once today. “No, it’s not Robin. I just came here because I wanted somewhere quiet, not because I wanted to...feel close to him, or whatever.”

“Alright. Do you want to talk about it?”

Regina ran a hand through her hair, wondering if she should say anything. Last time Rumple died he had come back - at a great price, but at least he hadn’t been gone forever. This time it was different. He had no reason to want to return. He had died honourably, a redeemed man, and Regina knew it would be wrong to take that away from him. So why was she so afraid that acknowledging his death aloud would make it irreversible?

“Rumple.” It was all she said, no more words were necessary.

“I know.” Emma pulled Regina into a hug and heard her give a muffled sob against her shoulder. Regina quickly pulled back and wiped a tear away from her treacherous left eye. 

“You know-“ Emma put a comforting hand on Regina’s shoulder as they resumed walking slowly. “It’s no wonder I didn’t play a part in that last curse.”

“Really?”

“When Rumple, Gideon and I went into his dream world to work out how Fiona became the Black Fairy, we discovered he was meant to be the saviour. She cut away his light magic with the Shears of Destiny, but that didn’t stop him from saving us all during the final battle.”

“It was when both you and him made the right choices that we started winning,” mused Regina, eyes focused on the path ahead of her. 

“Exactly. And with this curse, you didn’t need me because you already had a saviour. He saved all of us.”

Regina couldn’t help smiling. “Even when he wasn’t trying to, he saved me when we met in the Enchanted Forest. Teaching me magic so I could be free of my mother, and make my own choices in life. Yes, he did push me down a certain path, but the choices were still my own. He just gave me the power to make them. And without those decisions-“

“You wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t have learned so much about yourself, about life. And the rest of us wouldn’t have had the chance to learn from your actions.”

“Exactly.” 

“It was after the curse was broken that Rumple made his sacrifice though. When Henry gave me True Love’s Kiss the curse was broken.”

“Doesn’t make him any less of a hero.”

“And the man did always know how to find a loophole.”

They remained in silence for a while, contemplating the years that had led up to this moment. Regina’s thoughts fell to a particular one.

“Emma - do you remember when you thought you were destined to die at the hand of the hooded figure?”

“How could I forget?”

“Well, how did it make you feel?”

Emma bit her lip while she considered the question. “At first I was terrified. Terrified that I would have to die when there were so many things I had left to do, so many people who depended on me. Then I decided to fight it. I thought that I would be a pretty useless saviour if I couldn’t save myself.”

“Then you defeated Gideon the first time. But during the curse-“

“I surrendered.” Emma’s eyes drifted into the middle distance as she no doubt remembered the feeling of sharp metal piercing her skin.

“Why?” Regina’s voice was barely a whisper and Emma was starting to understand this line of questioning.

“Well, I couldn’t hurt Gideon when he wasn’t in control of his actions. That would’ve been wrong. But it was mainly because that was when I was finally at peace with my death. Before I came to Storybrooke I dreamed of having loved ones to die for. I was tired of fighting, and if my death was the price for everyone else’s happiness I could see that it would be worth it. I knew I wouldn’t be able to cheat fate twice. And it was alright with me.”

As Emma spoke Regina had turned and was gazing away into the forest to hide the moisture forming in her eyes. “What did you see before you were stabbed?”

Emma understood the meaning. “Henry. Killian - how happy he was when we married. My parents. You, even Zelena and how you two were finally getting on. And I knew I’d see you all again.”

“So you did.” Emma could hear the choke in Regina’s voice, but said nothing, just listened. “I guess the difference between you and Rumple is that he couldn’t escape his destiny. You found a way to.” 

“I wouldn’t say that. We both accepted our fates, doing what we did because it was right, not because it had already been prophesied. I couldn’t know True Love’s Kiss would wake me. We both got to be with the people we loved.” 

Taking a step forward, she squeezed Regina’s shoulder lightly. “I wouldn’t worry Regina. I know you two had an...interesting friendship, but he’s fine. He’s happy with Belle.”

“Yes.” Regina’s eyes flickered shut and the next second the tears were back. “So I’ve heard.”

She could practically sense Emma getting ready to ask an uncomfortable question, so she said “you go on jogging. I’m just going to sit and think for a while.”

“Ok. Sure you don’t want some company?”

“Don’t worry about it. The sooner I learn to cope alone, the better.”


	2. Snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snow comes to visit Regina in her office.

Having spent at least two and a half hours finishing her slow, reflective walk through the woods, Regina was now seated at her desk in the Mayor’s office, reading and reviewing documents related to both her mayoral responsibilities and her new role as the Good Queen of the United Realms. She read the words without taking them in, signing to approve several developments while not even knowing what they were. 

A knock on the door startled her. Regina looked up and saw Snow holding two bags with the welcome logo of Granny’s diner.

“Hope I’m not interrupting, Your Majesty.” 

They both chuckled as Regina indicated that she should sit down in the chair opposite her desk. “Not at all. What have I done to warrant this kind delivery?”

Snow sat down and slid one bag over to Regina, who quickly unpacked the two salad sandwiches and a separate bag containing onion rings. “I hope you don’t mind, but Emma spoke to me a while ago. She said she ran into you while jogging and that you were still mourning Rumple. I was wondering if you’d like a friend to talk to.”

“Always. Especially if the friend often comes with such delicious free food.” Regina stood up and walked to the table, on which there was a jug of water and a few glasses. “Would you like some?”

“Please.”

Regina poured both glasses and helped Snow carry the food to the table, where they both sat down and started eating. 

“These will never stop being delicious.” Regina set down the remaining half of the onion ring she had been eating. 

“I agree. After all the years we’ve been here, I could never imagine growing sick of Granny’s.”

“Well, we do have all the realms with us now. I really have to find someone to set up a restaurant with food imported from all those other places.”

“Sounds like a great job for our new Queen. But not when she has something on her mind.” Snow took a quick sip of water before moving forward in her seat with a more serious tone. “What’s going on, Regina?”

“I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about Rumple’s death. I keep relieving the moment I walked into that room and saw him lying there, lifeless.”

Snow set down her sandwich and perched on the very edge of her seat. “Other than the tragedy of losing someone who’s been your friend for so many years, maybe the circumstances of his death are reminding you of another...incredibly painful loss.” 

“That’s what Emma thought too.”

Snow frowned, though not unkindly. “Then what is this about?”

“I’m trying to work that out. Why can’t I stop thinking about his death with such...regret?”

“Are you worried about where he is now?”

“Oh, I know where he is now. In a much better place.”

“Glad we agree. Maybe you’re wishing you could have been there in his final moments? When we heard the story from Henry he said you gave a very emotional goodbye message.”

“Maybe that’s it.” Regina took a few thoughtful bites of her sandwich. “I wonder if there would have been...I don’t know, a farewell message for his past pupil.”

“He would be proud. I know he is. Seeing what an amazing person you’ve become.”

“As I am proud of him. He truly did become a new man.”

“Exactly. He literally defeated his darker self, but selflessly and kindly, as you did with the Evil Queen. The two of you were truly inspiring, being ready to sacrifice yourselves for us all.”

“Hmm?”

“Come on, Regina. Time and time again you’ve put other people before yourself. When Pan’s minions activated that self destruct and you were willing to die holding it off-“

“Well, I did owe that to you all, given that it was my fault they got it in the first place.”

“It doesn’t make you any less a heroine.”

Regina let her blinking slow as she focused on the monochromatic floor patters, staring so hard that they blurred into a pale grey. “So I’ve heard.”

She knew Snow was looking at her in puzzlement, trying to work out how to join Regina on whatever elusive wavelength she had bound herself to. 

“Regina, if you truly do miss your friend so much, I fear I won’t be able to provide you with any solace. Rumplestiltskin was always a hard man to know. Maybe that’s what’s hurting you - feeling that you didn’t do him justice in this life? A misplaced but understandable view, and if so I’d remind you that every second you rule over these millions of people who love you, you serve him and all of us in the best way imaginable: by showing us that all pain can be a valuable lesson, and that those who have left us have only paved the future for the new generations to have the support they will appreciate when they struggle as we once did.”

“I know you’re right, Snow. Rumple would be relieved to know other children won’t have to grow up as alone and isolated as he did.”

Snow took Regina’s hand in hers and held it tightly. “Then make him proud. Ignoring his death won’t make it any less painful, but try to take comfort in the fact that he’s happy where he is now. He misses you too. I know that without a doubt. And one day you’ll see each other again.”

“One day,” Regina mused as she turned an onion ring over repeatedly. “I suppose that’s all one can ask for.”


	3. Zelena

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zelena shares some unique insight into Regina’s grief.

Days of concentration on her mayoral responsibilities dulled the pain, the ache in Regina’s chest. She spent most of her time with Henry, Ella and Lucy, helping them style their new house - a step down after a castle, but Regina was determined to ensure their new home was the next best thing. She and Zelena also took the liberty of accompanying Emma and Killian on a walking tour of Storybrooke’s many woodlands, which took up the greater part of a day. The entire time Regina was all too pleased to engage in conversation, because at the back of her mind she knew that silence would provoke thought, and thought would throw her back into a pit of misery.

Zelena slept in the guest bedroom in the mayor’s house afterwards, after the two stayed up late drinking and talking, discussing how things would have been different if they’d grown up together instead of apart. How Cora would have trained Zelena to be queen, and then Regina would have been the envious one, or maybe they would have stood up to their mother together and ran away long before either of them suffered the tragedy of young love.

A late breakfast followed by an exchange of gossip on both sides really did make it feel like they were young again. Although both of them were much older then they looked, neither of them had ever truly grown up. Both of them had been bound to their pasts by bitterness, rage and regret. Regina looked at Zelena and wondered how it must feel to be free from it all.

As the afternoon drew nearer, Regina was reminded that she actually did have a job, and made all the necessary apologies before suggesting Zelena ought to leave.

“But you are welcome to move in anytime you want, if you feel like a change of setting.” Regina called as she carried their glasses to the kitchen. “Assuming Chad wouldn’t mind, of course.”

“Of course he wouldn’t. The poor man wants to know everyone in my life.” Zelena gave an uncharacteristic giggle. “He’s got quite a way to go.”

Regina sat back down next to her sister. “I’m so happy for you. Thank goodness I snapped you out of the curse during the engagement phase or else I might have missed the wedding.”

“That would have been a tragedy.” Zelena shifted her body so she was looking directly at Regina. “But before I go, we need to talk about you. The whole ‘Good Queen’ thing must be pretty stressful.”

“I suppose. But it’s good I have something to do, something that’ll help people. Other than spending all day with my incredibly extended family, that is.”

They both chuckled a little but Regina could tell Zelena was waiting for the right moment to bring something up. “What’s on your mind, sis?”

“You really think I haven’t noticed the change in you lately? You’ve practically got a raincloud hanging over you whenever I walk in on you alone.”

“Well, suffice it to say I have received counselling from both Emma and her mother, and I admitted to both of them that I can’t let Rumple’s...death go.”

Zelena leant against the back of her chair, thinking over the words. “Do you know why?”

“I can’t say I do. Both of them came up with some pretty in depth explanations that I don’t remember much of. They did make me feel better though.”

“If you don’t remember then I’ll hazard a guess they were wrong. Or only partially correct. I think I may have Emma and Snow beat, dear sister,” said Zelena as she leaned forwards and took Regina’s hand. “Your relationship with Rumplestiltskin is something I’ve always had a unique insight into.”

Regina smiled. “You mean from your years of spying on us?”

Zelena laughed aloud. “That definitely contributed. I really was a jealous bitch.”

“A smart jealous bitch,” corrected Regina. They had been through so much together that resentment for past misdeeds seemed simply foreign to them. “You came up with that plan to turn back time. I can’t imagine the dedication.”

“And you know the reason why I was so dedicated. I was in love with Rumple and was adamant that he choose me over you.”

“But you got over those feelings though? Once he-“

“Tried to kill me? Yes, I did. If only I could say the same for you.”

Regina was so taken aback she nearly asked Zelena to repeat herself, but decided she didn’t want to hear those words again. “What do you mean?”

“I may have been a jealous bitch, but I wasn’t a jealous bitch without good reason.”

Regina had more than a few counter examples in mind, but Zelena held up a hand to stop her. “Make fun of me another time, but for now let me finish. I watched you and Rumple for ages, and the two of you had a bond that was really special. By his standards, for sure. He chose you to cast the curse, didn’t he? The one that would be instrumental in getting him to his son.”

Regina’s eyebrows shot up. “You say that like it was a competition for his hand in marriage. Whatever our thoughts of him may have been, he used us both, testing to see which would’ve been more guaranteed to get him to his son. You missed out only because to cast it you would have to kill him.”

Zelena folded her arms with something like satisfaction on her face. “Apt analogy. Is that not something like what it meant to cast the curse? In a strange way, it was an honour, especially now we know his true motivation for doing so. Whoever cast it would know the pain of losing a loved one just as Rumple lost his son, and feeling at fault for it. That’s something the two of you have always shared, something that sets you apart from others’ losses. Him choosing you elevated you above me in a way that had nothing to do with how powerful we were. That’s where my real need to compete with you came from. Power was worthless if in his eyes we weren’t worthy of it.”

“Zelena, where are you going with this? I speak to Emma, she sees Rumple as a saviour, albeit a highly conflicted one - she and him were two sides of the same coin. I speak to Snow, she sees Rumple as a good man - hardly surprising as she always manages to see the good in people. Why remind me of a twisted history so far in the past?”

“Because it’s relevant, though you may not wish to admit it. I have a question to ask, but before I do, listen to what else I have to say.”

“Alright.” Regina kept her face as steady and impassive as possible.

“When I was in full Wicked Witch mode, keeping Rumple prisoner at my place,” - Regina couldn’t help noticing she had left out the words ‘in a cage’, but didn’t comment, she knew Zelena wasn’t proud of it, and she herself had done far worse - “I taunted him with the knowledge that we’d be doing things over, and this time he’d choose me. And you know what he said? ‘I’ll always choose Regina.’”

Regina tried to keep her face blank, but a little of her surprise must have shown. “Surely he only said that to anger you? And I don’t mean to offend you, but if I had a choice between someone who was controlling me with a dagger and someone who wasn’t-“

“Very funny, but I can tell you’re deliberately avoiding the point. How many ways do I have to say it? You and Rumple have a unique bond. You worked together when it suited you, you worked against each other when it suited you, but behind the outward loathing of each other there was always grudging respect.”

“And self hatred,” admitted Regina, “we couldn’t stand each other because it only made our own flaws so much clearer.” There was no interruption, so she went on. “We both had parents who chose their own power over us, and we compensated for that lost love with power of our own. Our own children suffered as a result, and that was always the turning point. They made us into better people. When Robin was born I saw so much of myself in your struggles.”

Zelena nodded. “I’ve thought about our similarities many times. And to go back to what I was saying before you tried so cleverly to change the subject, we were both incredibly possessive of our dear mentor. My need to have him all to myself and you out the picture...and I hear you kidnapped Belle and locked her up for years - why, exactly?” 

Regina managed a hasty reply. “Insurance. Incase anything went wrong during the curse and I needed him on my side.”

“You sure you weren’t jealous? Just like me, you didn’t like to see him giving so much attention, even affection, to someone who the Evil Queen thought was unworthy, ordinary?”

“Of course I was irritated! Ever since we’d met and I’d become his apprentice I’d transformed myself as a person, allegedly becoming the second best living practitioner of magic, desperate to impress him at every turn - and he loved her just as she was.” Regina stopped, worrying that Zelena may disapprove of this sudden expression of repressed bitterness, but her sister sat in silence, calmly waiting for her to finish. “It made me angry. No matter how close I came to being his equal, there was always something keeping us apart. Belle was an obstacle I couldn’t get around. If I killed her, she would have had a place in his heart forever. And it also made me wonder...what was so special about her? Why was this ordinary girl met with trust and kindness, and my achievements so often disregarded with taunts and scorn?”

Admitting this - and in doing so perhaps indirectly confessing the true depth of her feelings, now impossible not to realise - didn’t feel good. There was the inescapable shame of her past misdeeds, something she preferred not to discuss if possible. Something she had once only been able to share with Rumple. But there was no debating that Zelena was the right person to discuss this with. She could understand the dark thoughts that had once driven them both. And she had guessed the truth before Regina herself had dared confront it. 

Zelena was looking at Regina with a mixture of comprehension and pride. If there was pity in her gaze it was well concealed, which Regina was grateful for. “I’m not saying he didn’t love Belle. Of course he did. But in a way, I believe Rumple loved you too, Regina. Don’t discredit that because of how things went down with him and serum Queen. She was disposable to him because it was just the dark parts of you. You were almost magnetic to him because there were good and evil parts of you in constant conflict, and both would always be dear to him. The cruel, dark side he had played a crucial role in nurturing, encouraging you to seek your own freedom for your benefit as well as his. The good side, he would have seen for himself when the two of you first met, and that’s why you were never just some monster he needed to create. He felt for both parts of you, but after everything that had happened and was yet to happen - Cora, Belle, Baelfire, the curse-“

Regina was watching her hands as they twisted in her lap and her vision started to swim with tears. “How did you get so wise, Zelena? Somehow you’ve actually helped me make sense of things. Thank you sister. No need to be kind about our issues though. We were so similar it could never have ended well. You and I managed to get around it with our vulnerability and the sacrifices we - especially you - made. Rumple and I though...when there’s someone just like you, you’ll always hate and love them. We would have been the end of each other. Besides, fate was against us. ‘Mr and Mrs Beast’ just wouldn’t have made it into the fairytales.”

Zelena laughed sadly. “Not everything was against you. Black and gold always looked much better than gold and green.”

Regina smiled, the weight that had been on her heart for so long only just starting to lift. “So you admit that it’s my colour.”

“Was there ever any doubt? I’ll ask you now, and then you can think things over while you’re working. I’ll be available any time if you want to call.” Zelena’s voice became soft as she asked, “did you love him?”

Regina turned her face to her sister’s, wondering if the light were either drawing attention to or concealing her overdue tears. “Yes, Zelena. I did.”


End file.
